American Ammayi Diaries: Expectations vs reality

Hello folks!

Before our wedding, my husband asked me if I had ever thought about the place I would be living in future. And this got me thinking, but the truth is that, I had never given this a thought. I always wanted to live by myself in an apartment with the balcony facing something like a sea or something of scenic beauty or even a busy road. (Maybe that thought came to me during my B.Tech 3^rd year when my room’s windows opened to the waste bin of the entire hostel! What a refreshing sight! )I think I’ve said this earlier, but I wanted to live in Konkana Sen’s apartment from Wake up Sid. That would’ve been a dream come true. That’s all I wished for. I never thought of a city or state or country.

I’ve always seen myself in an apartment in Bangalore after marriage. I have always been kind of “country” and therefore I never saw myself in any foreign country. Middle East, yes, As there are a lot of Malayalees there and don’t know why I felt like I would fit in there or rather remain invisible there. But no, I had to come to the U.S. I didn’t feel classy enough to come to the U.S and fit in here. Also over the years, things I heard from people and saw in movies had created a mental image of how life in the U.S. would be. And arriving here many of them have been shattered and things I considered was a luxury are not really luxurious at all!! This story will take some time to complete, but then, let’s start now…

For a long time now, I’ve been a huge fan of good English. You talk good English and my mouth waters. I once heard Prannoy Roy’s interview and I listened with my mouth wide open. (That didn’t really encourage me to listen to the news though, where I could hear to more such people :P I was always allergic to news and newspapers.) 

My English is okay. I try not to make grammatical errors but then I have this fluency issue at times. And somehow I assumed that once I enter the USA my English will automatically be upgraded with an American accent. I thought that “you know” and “wanna” and “watcha doin” etc  will enter my life without any hard work from my part (I’m not sure if Americans used these words when they speak, but, somehow American accent in my mind is all this). If not the American accent, I thought I’ll speak more polished Malayalam, either the Manglish or the “korach korach Malyalam ariyam” but no luck there. I still speak normal Malayalam which has Koyikode and Payyanur touch and at times I mimic the slang of the person I’m talking to. Why don’t good things happen to me? :P People had to just watch some series on Netflix to get that accent and look at me! I’m so ashamed of myself!

As a part of understanding why I don’t speak American accent yet, I observe people here. (You might be thinking, give it some time, but no! I cannot!) Maybe you have to change the way you pronounce words as the Americans don’t understand what you’re saying. And I’ve noticed people trying to fake an accent while talking to the Americans. I don’t really know if it’s intentional or if it just happens over time. Right now, I don’t really interact with Americans and so my English hasn’t really changed. I’m waiting to see if something will happen to it! Maybe you are under pressure to speak American English as you have been here for a long time and people expect you to speak with an accent? 

Life has been a lot easier thanks to my cousins Ammu and Sonu for their “you know” and “I know right” and “tell me about it” Added at the right place, it makes you sound cool. So very soon you can see the new and upgraded version of me ( I hope I don’t mess it by speaking normal English and in the middle of a sentence, remembering to change my accent and doing it ;) )

Please don’t misunderstand me! I hope you realize that I was being sarcastic. Language is a medium of communication and if the receiver gets the message you are trying to convey that’s all what matters. Does your accent matter? I don’t think so. You decide!

Now, being the stalker I am, I see that most people undergo an impressive transformation once they leave India. Be it their dress or hairstyle, there is so much change and everyone ends up being photogenic. It’s like they go through some machine at immigration and TADA, you’re transformed. And I was dying to undergo that change. What did I think? That once I land in the U.S my fairy Godmother will wave a wand and transform me? I feel I looked more chic when I was in Bangalore (don’t be shocked! Nammalum onnu samadhanichotte bro!)

Stupid country did nothing to me! I’m the same old me, who stills feels I cannot carry off a leather jacket and boots. Maybe I can, maybe I can’t. But the thing about this country is, no one cares. You want to wear a mini skirt and crop top, but you’re 50 kg overweight? Who cares! You go ahead and wear what you want. When I stare at madhamas double my size wearing clothes which are too revealing or too fit, I look around and realize that I am the only one staring!! It is a refreshing change after spending 25 years in India, where I dressed keeping in mind that my clothes don’t draw attention to my figure. Also keeping in mind that it doesn’t offend anyone at the Milma booth or Vyshak stationary or Achoos or Barber shop at East hill and also the random family friends I meet on my way out. Also, my clothes shouldn’t draw attention from random strangers and send them any “wrong signals”. So, I preferred to wear clothes twice my size.

But then, to wear great clothes and carry them off with style you need to have a basic sense of dressing. And it doesn’t come with having a visa stamp on your passport. When I went to Bangalore, I thought I’m going to turn stylish and look like a diva! And when nothing happened there, I see girls looking so wonderful in Calicut and it hits me. It’s not about where you are, but it’s about who you are. I don’t let myself buy certain clothes as I have this someone inside me who laughs and says, ”Seriously?? You are going to wear that? Have you lost it?” Maybe reading all this you feel that I’m really dying to be someone I’m not. But being frank, I would love a makeover someday. Wouldn’t it be fun to look so different that people don’t recognize you? So wait and see guys, Gayathri PK is all set for a makeover, it may strike me any day now ;) ( Etra manoharamaya nadakkatha swapnangal! )

So until we meet next, let me dream of being Americanized and a true American Ammayi! ;)

I’m like this only!